Whew.  We made it.  Kind of.

Buckle up, this blog post is heavy.  This year has been one of the worst of my life.  I know it has been for a lot of people.  The pandemic of 2020 has really taken its toll.  On top of the baseline level of suffering everyone is experiencing I’ve had my own personal struggles.

Watching Max, my beloved boxer and best friend, struggle with his health and then losing him made this year almost unbearable.  Not even a trip to Disney was magical.  My mental health has taken a nose dive and some days I just cry for seemingly no reason.  I miss him so desperately.  It’s hard for me to even interact with a big dog because I immediately think of him.

In my grief, I’ve let my health decline.  I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and my house stays a mess.  I just can’t get the courage to care.  I avoid mirrors at all costs and recently had to buy new clothes because literally nothing fits anymore.

To top it all, my home is currently under construction because I had a massive roof leak that has caused upwards of $30,000 in total damages.  We just found out we will have to move out of our home for a month to complete all the repairs.

My business became significantly more stressful in 2020.  Not only did I have to take dates off of my 2021 calendar for reschedules (equating to lost profits) I had to spend a lot of time communicating and re-assuring my 2020 couples.  Some have had to reschedule their date more the 3 times.  It is heartbreaking for them and I hurt for their stress too.

I tend to be a very existential person.

I’m constantly questioning my “why”, purpose, and value.  It can be exhausting constantly searching for where you belong and what you are “meant” for.  Dissatisfaction and restlessness fester when I’m depressed.  I’ve always seen myself as a main character of sorts.  I thought my life would have this story arch of finding my purpose and reaching the highest peak before gracefully settling into a comfortable retirement.  It makes me laugh now thinking about how wrong I was.  Life is so much more complicated than 1 arch in a curve.

Maybe not so surprisingly, a Disney movie recently released has helped me find some peace in my journey.  “Soul” is a movie about finding your spark in life and realizing your spark isn’t necessarily your purpose.  I needed that this year.  I’ve had such a fear of not reaching my peak of potential because I can’t find what I’m meant for.  I’ve suddenly realized I could be meant for a lot of things and none of them may be as grand as a main character story arch.  And that’s ok!  It doesn’t mean I haven’t accomplished amazing things and made an impact on love and life.  It’s a humbling and comforting feeling.

Despite all of the craziness this year, I have a desire to go into 2021 with a feeling of gratitude.  The hardships and struggles this year has brought has made me more thankful than ever for what I do have.  It has shined a light on what is really important to me and life.  It wasn’t only my own personal disasters made me realize this.  Seeing the whole world suffer through 2020 has made so thankful for my life.

I want to go into this near year from a place of peace and thankfulness

I have so much to be grateful for.  Not the least of which is I still have the ability to make better choices.  I have hope and I have opportunity.  I have a family who loves me, an incredible husband, a home and two great jobs.  One job where I get to help people live and live healthy lives.  The other job is my favorite, where I get to see people love.  I have 2 dogs who love me and bring so many smiles to my face daily.  I have a future and I have so much love.

PS: If you made it to the end of this thank you! I have other content about me and and of course all my weddings and engagements on my blog.  Also, if you got the Star Wars reference in the title you are a premium person 😉  Photo credit to my amazing friend Ryn Loren!  Check out some of my favorite photos from 2020 below!